Living in a World of Infidelity
“Maybe as each person develops and matures, a chance for a fresh relationship presents itself, encouraging the growth of better versions of each person. But this kind of reconciliation requires true forgiveness. It doesn’t require forgetting. Instead, it asks if you can accept that reality.”
In a world where disloyalty, betrayal, insensitivity, and hurt coexist alongside love, it's important to acknowledge the reality of infidelity. While my previous articles in past editions of The Python Post have spoken on the different worlds of love, it’s also important to confront the presence of infidelity in relationships. Cheating represents a profound breach of trust and intimacy. To truly comprehend the complex dynamics behind such betrayals, we must approach the topic with empathy and understanding.
When people hear cheating, they just think of the disloyalty and unfairness that takes place. But it's so much more. Connected within it are the difficult choices made, the betrayal of trust, the need for individual responsibility, the questioning of one's ideals, the severe pain caused, the continuation of harmful cycles, and, like the complexities of life itself, valuable lessons that are just waiting to be discovered.
Part 1: Context
Choices
Cheating is a deliberate act in which a person chooses to betray their partner's trust and commitment. It is a choice; it's not something that a person has no control over. A person's ideals, integrity, and regard for their relationship are reflected in their decision to cheat. Denying this reality is a way to escape accountability and downplay the seriousness of the betrayal. Without a doubt, cheating is a decision, and realizing this fact is the first step towards understanding its consequences and trying to rebuild the damaged trust.
Betrayal
Cheating is a betrayal. When you cheat, you betray your partner and your relationship. I feel like a single word can’t describe this feeling of betrayal. Pouring your heart and soul into a relationship only to be met with pain beyond describing. It's a position no one should experience, a position filled with hurt and an overwhelming sense of disappointment. So many things go through your head in this position. You feel betrayed and just want an apology; you want your partner to feel bad for what they did, but you do not know if they will ever be sorry. Let's be clear: cheating is a decision, not a mistake.
Accountability
If you cheat, you should own up to your shit. Stop playing victim. Face your actions and take accountability. Or at least that's the right thing to do. Admit to what you did, as there's no need to keep lying. Some people may not want to own up, some people might not even see their wrongs. For so long I wanted people to understand the wrong they did, wanting a proper apology, wanting them to own up to what they've done. But some people don't care enough or continually say I don't know. I don’t know why everyone chooses their decisions. But what I've learned is, you don't need an apology for closure. Actions speak louder than words. It's not what you need from others, it's what you need within yourself.
Perceptions
Lots of shame comes with cheating or being cheated on. Lots of judgment from other people and yourself. Constantly questioning choices made. For some people when they get cheated on, that’s it for them. And that's perfectly okay, their trust was betrayed and they don't have to work or try to stay with that person they can choose to move on with their lives. But some people choose to be with that person and that's okay too.
I feel like when someone chooses to stay with the person that cheated on them they are usually judged or shamed because they don't have enough self respect to leave. That's honestly just a crazy thing to think. If you love someone and want to try to move and work past such an action, then that doesn't mean you respect yourself any less. I feel like it takes a lot of courage and maturity to try to work with someone who hurt you. But again people are open to feel how they feel. It's ultimately your decision, not anyone else's.
Another perception that circles this topic is if you should or should not be mad at the person you were cheated on with. I see many TikToks that say you should only be mad at that person if they knew about you. But I think it’s the actions they take. Will they reach out and give a true apology, acknowledge the hurt they brought upon you, or will they bash you? If they genuinely didn't know, then be understanding, they’re probably just as hurt. They probably actually liked your partner so much and were met with the same betrayal you were. But if they did know and have no remorse, then of course you’re entitled to your feelings. At the end of the day, hurt people will hurt people. You can be upset towards them or you can’t. But don’t let social media or others tell you how to feel.
Part 2: The Personal
Grudges
We've all heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but what if you don't want to forget? What if you feel like you can't forgive? In the heat of the moment that is probably what it feels like. I honestly feel like the most ignorant thing you can say to someone when they are in the heat of their pain is “You'll get over it” or “this isn't your whole life.” But this is my whole life at this moment. It feels like a dismissal of feeling. Right now I'm upset, right now I'm in pain, and right now at this moment I can't “forgive and forget.” It takes strength to forgive. And that is not in the cards for everyone — not saying you're weak. But eventually that grudge will turn into something else, hatred or even just a memory you once had.
Losing Confidence + Rebuilding back up
Most if not all people when they get cheated on find themselves comparing themselves to the person they got cheated on with. Wondering what they have that you don't. Are they more attractive? What makes them more appealing? Why did they choose them over me? This is where the lack of confidence comes in. It brings your self esteem down, as you are constantly thinking: Why them? You have to realize you were never the problem. It’s a problem people face within themselves, the problem of facing insecurities. They have to find a way to uplift themselves by putting other people in a place of hurt. Or this is their way of boosting their own self esteem. There's no clear reason as to why cheating takes place. But please know: you weren't the problem.
Why
If you're anything like me, you might find yourself fixated on one simple word: why? Why did it happen? Why did everything shift so suddenly? When did the cracks start to form? What were the factors that led to this point? The questioning becomes a desperate search for answers, clinging to every detail as if your very existence hinges upon understanding. I feel like hurt people will hurt people. They are struggling with their own problems internally and their way of dealing with that hurt is to just hurt people. Unhappy people will just deflect their own problems to make everyone else unhappy, and that's the harsh reality.
Cycles
Listening to the same heartbreak songs, scrolling through relatable TikToks, looking back at old memories, replaying every detail. It's normal to lose yourself in these feelings, giving yourself permission to feel everything to the fullest. But it's important to know when this absorption gets too much, when living in the past starts to get in the way of your progress. Setting limits and giving your grieving process a deadline might help you avoid falling into an unending pit of hopelessness, even if it's crucial to respect your feelings. On the other hand, holding these feelings in can cause unresolved pain to accumulate until it finally explodes. The secret to ending hurtful patterns and eventually healing is striking a balance in the way you face and deal with your pain.
Overthinking
Getting cheated on puts you in an endless cycle. You are filled with self blame, thinking what you could have done differently. Suspicion, questioning everything your partner has done and if there’s more. Creating scenarios and hypotheticals, creating stories of what happened or what could have happened. Obsessively investigating, searching and looking for more evidence of cheating, wanting to find proof and looking through their phone, looking through social media, their followers and those who they follow, questioning everything repeatedly. You find yourself searching for reassurance, searching for the need of validation making sure you’re not crazy, that what you are feeling is valid. And just having a hard time accepting the betrayal took place or having a hard time moving on.
Part 3: Moving On…or Not
Understanding hurt and dealing with it
Hurt can come in many forms; it's not just sadness. It could be anger, disappointment, stress, shame, helplessness, loneliness, hatred, embarrassment — so many feelings that can come along with such selfish actions. It's not just the feeling of heartbreak and betrayal, it's losing your confidence and for some holding on to those grudges. Your feelings are 1000% right, but your actions always aren’t. When this happened to me, I was so upset and mad at everyone. And I definitely said things that shouldn't have been said. I learned from those things and now, I know that wanting other people to do the same won’t always happen. You have to realize the right and wrong in your actions. Yes, you were hurt but don't turn into the thing that hurt you because you're in pain. Accept your pain, don't push it away. Feel what you need to feel.
Is it too late
Is it too late? Is this relationship able to be saved or is this it? For some people it is and for some it isn't. Can you forgive, can you forget, and can you move on. It's up to you. People will tell you their opinion and some if not most will tell you to “stand up.” And they are right, stand up, but not in the way they think. Stand up and do what you need to do for yourself. Can you still see yourself with this person or are you just attached to the memories you once had, to the person they once showed you? At the end of the day, are they still the person you want to be with? Can you forgive this pain brought to you and if you do set boundaries, your partner better rise to them and be beyond the person they once were. As people, we change, and if they want to stay in these childish and damaging cycles, don't stay for them to hurt you again.
Can you rebuild trust
Like this whole experience, it really depends on you. Did you automatically trust this person when you first met them: no. But over time that trust was built, but they broke it. The question is can you rebuild it or not. But is that really the question? It's not a question if you can rebuild it or not, it's if you want to build it back. But I don't even think that is the main question either, because you want to rebuild the relationship in your heart, soul, and mind. You want to try to get back and rebuild what was once there, but you're keeping yourself back. I think trust can be rebuilt, I think it takes a lot of time and effort and a lot of patience. Do you want to try, do you want to work with them, and do you ultimately still want them?
Growth
I feel like getting cheated on is an extremely humbling experience and shows your maturity. It shows how you act, what you learned, and if you can learn to set boundaries, self reflect, rebuild trust, communicate, and accept closure. This is true not just for the person who was betrayed, but also for the person who did the betraying. Maybe as each person develops and matures, a chance for a fresh relationship presents itself, encouraging the growth of better versions of each person. But this kind of reconciliation requires true forgiveness. It doesn’t require forgetting. Instead, it asks if you can accept that reality.
This piece is not here to tell you how to feel. This is to let you know your feelings are completely valid. You're not crazy or dramatic. People will talk shit, people will throw shade, and people will feed off of your downfall. That's life. But your feelings are valid, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel nothing. You can process your hurt at your own speed and don't have to adjust to make anyone else feel more comfortable. It's a long and heartbreaking process but don't forget who you are or what you are worth.