A Gift and a Curse
You can’t lie down in your failure, your mistakes, and your pain forever — you have to push yourself to wage the battle against your mental health and become a better YOU.
My goal in life was always to break the generational curse in my family, but it didn't come easily. In movies and shows high school is always portrayed as this happy place that only comes with fun and games, but that wasn't the case at all. It was difficult to come into a new environment with new people and having to learn how to spend the rest of your 4 years in this environment.
As I'm currently a senior and in a couple weeks I graduate, I thought it would be a perfect idea to take a blast into the past for my last issue. I wanted to take a deep dive into my past years for this article, and to me it all started 5 years ago during my 8th grade year.
This article will focus on my 8th grade year to where I'm at currently in my senior year. I'm not just going to speak about all the fun and good times. I thought it would be best if I kept it real. I will focus on the struggles, the growths, the failures, and more.
Part One : 8th Grade
From kindergarten to 7th grade, I went to Success Academy, a very popular charter school all over New York City. Going into my 7th grade year, I transferred to a school called Harlem Village academy for my 8th grade year.
8th grade was not easy for me at all, as I was coming into a school where kids already had their relationships and had already spent 3 years with each other. Being the new kid wasn't fun, and it was a struggle to know where to fit in and who to trust and not to trust.
Over time it got easier. I actually met my first girl best friend and the first female I actually trusted with everything. As time continued to pass, it was time to apply for high schools. To be honest I never pictured myself where I am now, as i pictured myself going to the high school that was connected to this middle school, but that didn’t happen of course. I got into all the high schools I wanted to go to, but at the end of the day it was Comp Sci High I picked due to the fact that my older cousin was here. I just did not want to be the new girl again.
As we got closer to graduation the worst thing possible happened: Covid hit. When Covid hit, everything changed for me, and I was so excited to have an actual graduation as I didn't have one in 4th grade because I skipped that grade. But now I knew that wasn't going to happen at all.
I continued to graduate online and started to prepare myself for how life was going to be — starting high school as an online student as Covid was still going on.
Part Two : Freshman Year
Whew…freshman year. It was boring, but it was easy.
The way I pictured freshman year was exactly how I saw it in the movies, but as we know that wasn't the case at all. When freshman year first started, I was fully remote. I didn't have any friends, just random students that used to g-chat me for the wrong reasons.
As time continued to pass, doing school online was boring, I didn't have any motivation to wake up every morning and get on a laptop to do work. It's just not what I wanted to do in life. So when I got the choice to do school in person and online I was super excited. To me this was going to be the chance I had to meet people and make friends.
When I first started in person school, my first two friends were Kenneth and Djenabou. They were the first people to talk to me and it seemed like they actually wanted to be friends. As time kept going, I wouldn't say I made more friends but I did know more people and talk to way more people than I first did.
As the year kept progressing, in the blink of an eye it was almost the end of the year and time to go into the summertime. I was excited because I finally had a break from school but also because it was time for my first internship, with many to come after.
During the summer, I only really talked to my best friend outside of school and some childhood friends but I rarely talked to the two friends I made during school. You could basically say we were more school friends than full time friends for the time being.
Part Three : Sophomore Year
Coming back to school was less scary than I thought it would be. This was going be the first day I kind of got to see everyone that was in my grade and I didn’t know how it was going to go at all. In my defense I was super shocked. I wouldn't say I had all these friends, but I would say I had a good amount of people to talk to so I wouldn't be so bored.
In my opinion my sophomore year did not show who I really was as a student even though the work was easy. I was still in my lazy habit and trying to get out of it. I would do my work but I would always know that I could do better than I was actually doing, but it was just a matter of me not pushing myself fully.
This year was also the year I decided to show my passion for dance. I had been dancing since I was really young, but from 8th to 9th grade, I just kind of stopped because of Covid. The dance coach was the same coach that worked at my middle school for 2 years, and I had never made her dance team, so I was really scared to try out.
Fast forwarding to when try outs were over, I was super nervous. I just couldn't wait to find out if I was going to make the team or not and truthfully I didn't know how I would have taken it if I wasn't going to make the team. A couple days later the list came out, and to my surprise my name was on the list. I was super excited. This dance team was a way for me to show myself and be a part of the school in a different way.
I thought dance would only be a fun and cool after school activity but to be honest it wasn't just that, it was a commitment. One thing I feel is never told to students is that BALANCING is important! It's important to understand how to be both a student and an athlete/dancer, and sometimes you will have to face a choice where you need to choose between the two, because sometimes doing both 24/7 doesn't always work. So if you ever think about joining different types of teams, always make sure you can handle what you put yourself through, and if you can't, you can always work on it.
The rest of 10th grade was boring, of course there was drama and little issues, but nothing that you wouldn't expect from a group of students that just started meeting each other. Towards the end of the school year, I got accepted to this really big real estate internship. I never had any interest in real estate. I really love nursing, but during the year I learned that wasn't the path for me.
I truly think the summer going into my junior year was very important for how my last two years of high school played out. In the summer I expected nothing but greatness for my last two years of high school. I found that girl best friend that I always wanted and rekindled a relationship in a romantic way with someone very important to me. I was at my highest, nothing could stop me…but little did I know what was in store for me in the future.
Part Four: Junior Year
Junior year… #totallyunexpected!
Going into junior year you couldn’t have told me life was gonna pan out like this, and honestly after reading this section you are not going to understand everything I went through and how much of an affect it had on me for this year alone.
Beginning junior year was fine, I stayed closed to my boyfriend and my best friend at the time. Those were really the only two people that I was really close to, even though of course I had my little friends from the year before.
The year started off as any other year would start off: easy work load, dance try outs, school activities, and more. I lived my life kind of how I lived my life every other year in high school: school, dance, friends, and so on. During winter break is when everything went down hill — like all the hopes and dreams I had for my junior year were flushed down the toilet.
Looking at me you would never think that I was going through a lot because, to be honest, I tried my best pushing myself to hide the pain. The pain was something I never thought I would experience; it was a pain that at first I didn’t even feel comfortable sharing with my best friend and boyfriend.
Once my life started going downhill, it kept going and going and going. It was like I was meant to fail at this point but I had to keep pushing. It didn’t come easily, though. Fast forwarding to March, it had been three months of me going through all these different things and life and I only had two people to lean on and at some points it just felt that I was putting all my problems on them and I hated that. In March, I feel that I got back to myself. I was still going through a lot but the person I was becoming was not a person I wanted to see myself being.
One lesson I want all kids to know is that MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT. Don’t ever let anyone say your mental is not important. It might be one of the most important things in life. You are not always going to be 100%, and as you grow up in life you’re going to go through real shit and have to make big choices and depending on your age, you might not deal with your mental health the best, but it is so important that you bounce back. You can’t lie down in your failure, your mistakes, and your pain forever — you have to push yourself to wage the battle against your mental health and become a better YOU.
By the end of year, I was pretty okay and honestly there’s no one I would thank more then Kenneth for that. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their issues and before Kenneth, I was never the type to lean on a person for safety, but Kenneth definitely gave me that sense of safety. Thanks, Kenny.
Part Five : Senior Year
Senior Year…a gift but yet a curse.
A gift but yet a curse means that, despite all the positives of my senior year, there were negatives that hit hard.
Going into my senior year, I was at a better place in my life and more happy. It was like I was back at that feeling that one summer before junior year, and honestly the happiness has never gone away, it’s just been dimmed at times.
I was still close to my best friend and my boyfriend, and the start of the school year went as it always did — me saying I was going to take a break from dance but then being right at that tryout. Me being motivated to do work and get the year over with as soon as possible .
For most of my senior year it was cool, but the middle and end of senior year messed up the whole vibe.
To start off, there was a lot of drama going on in 12th grade, and honestly, it was just one big topic that everyone knew about but no one knew how to talk about. The drama had a big involvement with my best friend and a friend I’ve had since I was in 9th grade, so you could only imagine the position I was put in and how it was hard for me.
The only thing this drama truly taught me was that not everyone has the same boundaries and that some friendships are not as important as you think .
Losing my best friend really opened my eyes. I’ve always been told that I let people walk over me, and that people take my kindness for granted, but I’ve never understood it till my senior year.
This wasn’t the first time I lost a friend, so it didn’t hurt me as much as some might think. But there was a different issue that really affected me. Imagine graduating and trying to get someone who never wanted anything to do with you to come and see you walk across the stage. The biggest issue that affected me the most my senior year was trying to find a way for my father to come to my graduation. I never really knew my father or had a bond with him, but I’ve always wondered what it would be like. I know he didn’t deserve to see me or see me walk across the stage and continue to grow into a wonderful women, but just something in me wanted him to. In reality, I was truly seeking validation from a person I don’t even know.
This topic affected me to the max. It was something I kept a secret from everyone because deep down I knew I shouldn’t even give this person the time of day, but that wasn’t going to be the case .
Sitting in a room for hours and hours, trying to find a way to contact a father that was never in your life is something I would never tell someone to do. When I did find a way to contact him, I popped the question: “My graduation is in June, I can send the details as soon as i get them. Would you like to come?”
And guess what? No reply.
Truthfully, I expected nothing less, so the pain it caused me was real, but it was a pain I could mask with all the other happiness, I had going on in life.
Part Six: In Conclusion
Each year has its own lessons.
Each year has its own ups.
Each year has its own downs.
But with all those things and more, I still made it guys. My last day as a high schooler is in a couple days, graduating in a couple weeks, starting college in two months — I fought through and made it out.
This article is not for you to use to give pity to me, but rather it is an article I want you to use to gain lessons from. In each of my sections, there’s a lesson to be learned — small or large, there’s always a lesson to be learned!
Use those lessons to prepare yourself and become a better you before you even have to face those lessons yourself.
I hope my article taught you a thing or two, but other than that, school is out and I’m on to the next chapter. See you on the other side.
Nae, signing out.