Fear Does Not Equal Respect
Respect is very much earned, and your child is not a dog or an object. They are your blood. They will grow up and encounter the world, but how can your child thrive in the world if you aren't offering them a simple foundation?
I came across this one TikTok on my feed. It was a man and his mother talking about if his mother has created a space for him to come to her and talk about anything. It hit a nerve because I could relate to this. His mother is an Indian woman and she was just sitting there trying to shut him down. The man who was the son was elaborating on the fact that she has made an unsafe and unsupportive environment, one where he doesn't want to come to her. Something that stood out to me was when she said “Those things are in your betterment.” However, I feel that if you don't allow your child to vocalize how they are feeling, they will resent you. In the video you can clearly see that the man was frustrated with everything that his mother was saying. She was trying so hard to justify the wrongdoing.
My parents are both immigrants. And yes, the way that they were born and raised back home was totally different from the way that they raised us. . This issue causes parents to pass down this “disciplinary method” for years. So when I listened to the man get frustrated with his mother, I see why so many children never return back for the holidays while being at college. I see why so many children do not tell their parents about the new promotion that they got at work. Sometimes, parents force us to believe that since they have brought us into this world they must deserve respect.
This is a pervasive issue. According to a 2014 study by the Human Rights Watch: "Ninety percent of the world's children live in countries where corporal punishment and other physical violence against children is still legal.” How do you think this influences the way parents treat their children?
We have been conditioned that the adult is always correct and if we respond we are wrong. I know there are a lot of people who are in my shoes who can resonate. We all have unique experiences but I think it's more about the outcome. I know people who will leave for college and no longer talk to their parents because the trauma that their parents have put on them has made them want to never come back home. Corporal punishment doesn’t work at all. But parents think that if you hit or spank your children, it teaches them a lesson. The Child- Parent relationship is the foundation to the child’s development. It influences their social abilities, cognitive skills, and, especially, their growth. And if parents believe that this method is “disciplining” then they are wrong.
Carl Rogers is a psychologist that popularized the concept of Unconditional Positive Regard. According to Rogers, unconditional positive regard involves showing complete support and acceptance of a person no matter what that person says or does. And I think that parents should think more about this idea. At the end of the day that is your child, that is your blood. I just don’t understand why you are not going to raise your child correctly and teach that you must fear all the adults that you come across.
Fear Does Not Equal Respect. Fear is FORCED and Respect is EARNED. The misconception that if your child is scared of you, of course respect will come right after. That is not true, this just causes more of a gap between the child and the adult. One of the barriers would be that it will cause the child to not trust the parent. Fear will definitely hinder the relationship with the parent. This will lead to the child becoming very sneaky or unable to communicate to the parent. This will prevent the child from expressing their feelings or thoughts. It is so weird that any parent would want their child to be scared of them. You should not want your kids to be scared of you. While fear will get the immediate results, it will fail later because your kids will eventually grow up and will make their own opinion. This tactic is not really to raise good kids, it's only good to raise robots.
Another issue that comes to mind is when parents do allow their child to have childhood and force us to live the way they want. I feel like kids should be able to have those moments where they are kids. They shouldn't be obligated to become an adult at a very young age. And this causes the standards for the child to become very high. Those expectations are very unrealistic. Which also leads to cause a very big gap between the child and the parent.
I think some better solutions or better methods for raising your child involve being more patient and more understanding. If you're able to talk to your child with respect and make them feel seen they will feel more comfortable coming to you. Respect is very much earned, and your child is not a dog or an object. They are your blood. They will grow up and encounter the world, but how can your child thrive in the world if you aren't offering them a simple foundation?