The Facade that Speaks for Us
“In a world filled with challenges and adversity we must find it within ourselves to know our interests in a relationship — to find the cupid arrow we want in a relationship. I can understand that we all can have that same big blue wave prowling and chasing us down daily, but with the right intentions in our hearts we could all feel confident around that wave and allow it to chase us down to the healthy relationship we all desire, where we’re loved and not hurt.”
In a world where we all wake up to the same sun that illuminates our future and shines the pathways for new relationships, we find ourselves welcomed to the same green colored seats that many like you sit in, awaiting that value a relationship can grace us with. It is within these relationships where we find joy and explore the pulchritude that is embedded within our character. Each relationship consists of the same excitement and wave of typical feuds between each other, and long conversations that greet both day and night. Over all, it appears as if all relationships emit the same light of contentment and the need to evaluate your relationship is almost unnecessary. But would it be wrong to do so? To re-evaluate whether you are happy, fulfilled, or satisfied? No.
Of the 7.88 billion people who live in this world, 60% are in relationships that could be described as “toxic," or in relationships that aren't reciprocal and lead to us not feeling appreciated. It leaves us asking ourselves: Why are people likely to fall into toxic relationships and how can we have relationships where we are appreciated; in other words how can we find “healthy relationships”?
To start off, historically, as humans we’ve always had the constant fear of isolation that makes us desperate to be in a relationship with others in the first place. This dates back to Neanderthals. The overall fear of being lonely prowls us daily, depriving us of our motivations and elements. This entirely changes the way we behave around others, like a symbiote. It places us in a wave of deep blue that has complete control of us - a wave of deep blue that drowns us constantly. Petrified by this, we desperately join any relationship in attempts to escape the smarting of loneliness. But by surprise this desperation frees us from loneliness and allows us to meet new people, but in return blinds us from choosing the relationships we intended for ourselves.
You may find yourself asking “How can we mitigate this conflict?”, “How can we find the correct pathway to a healthy relationship?”
Here is the first step: find a commonality that you may have with others, in other words, something that you and others enjoy. The article “Situational experience around the world: A replication and extension in 62 countries” states “The world is a much more similar and unified place than we once thought,” meaning that in a world filled with 7.88 billion people, we all have at least some form of commonality in the things we both cherish and love.
In order to think more about the science of relationships, I interviewed a clinical psychologist, Dr. Julian Saad, based out of the University of Rhode Island.
It’s one thing to be in a relationship where you have similarities with each other, but it's also healthy to have some differences as well. Dr. Julian Saad says that this difference, “creates what's called psychological flexibility.” Dr. Julian Saad defines psychological flexibility as a way to “strengthen our mental health and increase our foundations to being ok , being strong, [and] being resilient in different conditions/ different circumstances.” This element is very significant in a relationship – to have similarities but also differences allows for mental health positivity, strengthens connections, and extends the longevity of your relationship.
Now with the path towards a healthy relationship being so clear, why do people still fall into toxic relationships - let alone stay in them? As I previously referenced, loneliness has a contribution towards joining toxic relationships, but it's also the elements and perks of a toxic relationship that funnel through us as well. Similar to healthy relationships, toxic relationships also provide benefits to our mental health and character that smooths out our pains, but like anodyne that relief is only temporary and in order to receive it continuously you must abuse it.
During our interview Dr. Saad mentioned how relationships “often provide elements of safety” to a person. This element that relationships provide can be a reason as to why people stay in toxic relationships in the first place, that and the addictive features it provides to the person. Dr. Saad also mentioned that toxic relationships can provide “really high highs and really low lows,” meaning that toxic relationships cannot ensure unconditional love to the person, only temporary love. This temporary sensation of love can really damage your mental health, and leave you lost when you actually attempt to look for help or someone to talk to when you’re down.
Now, let's say you can’t tell the difference between a toxic and healthy relationship. That’s okay, we can’t expect to know what is the “right relationship” because there is none. Even though we have some similarities as people, we don’t all share the same needs and desires in a relationship. Maryann Diaz, one of the beloved social workers here at CSH, says that “Oftentimes our relationships can be reflective of the home environments we've grown adapted to, and societal images don't always support healthy and loving relationships.” This means that it may take some time before you can realize that the relationship you’re in is toxic, since these elements are so ubiquitous around us. So don’t blame yourself, try to improve yourself little by little.
This advice could also be used for people who are moving from toxic relationships to healthy relationships. Ms. Diaz advises that “self awareness is key to any changed behavior. Identifying what that unhealthy behavior is and what situations trigger it, can support you in being mindful of it." Like I mentioned above, taking steps towards re-evaluating your traits and improving yourself is key to making progress towards a healthy relationship. Finding the motivation to do this crucial step not only changes your perception of life, but also gives you a better understanding of yourself and could potentially help you in resolving the issues and disagreements you may have in your relationship on time. As Ms. Diaz said: “In order to have something healthy, you have to BE the difference, DO the difference, to then HAVE the difference.” Therefore, be that difference you desire so much, be that difference so you could motivate others in your relationship to be better rather than bicker.
In a world filled with challenges and adversity we must find it within ourselves to know our interests in a relationship — to find the cupid arrow we want in a relationship. I can understand that we all can have that same big blue wave prowling and chasing us down daily, but with the right intentions in our hearts we could all feel confident around that wave and allow it to chase us down to the healthy relationship we all desire, where we’re loved and not hurt. In summary, to find your cupid, you must know your intentions and interests in a relationship.