Learning How to Love
“It's okay to mess up; it's okay to love unconditionally; but we definitely have a long way to go when it comes to learning how to love.”
Walking through the hallways you see hands being held, glances being shared, emotions in the air, people falling in love, people falling out of love, students with puffy eyes from heartbreak. You hear groups of friends gushing about people they have a crush on, you see couples walking each other to their next period. You see teachers texting their significant others. Love and relationships are a big part of life and growing up and with that you may sometimes ask yourself: What is a healthy relationship?
Many say “Trust,” and others say “Respect.”
High school students believe healthy relationships are found in communication, respect for boundaries, and understanding of sexual needs. Although many teens know what healthy relationships are supposed to look like, they rarely ever portray it, especially because of the age and maturity level of teenagers.
Teens are emotionally immature; in relationships this can translate into toxicity or in terms of break ups, they wouldn't know how to handle heartbreak properly. Teens are still learning how to love; their brains are still developing, so relationships may mess with their mental health and hormones. We interviewed students and teachers of Comp Sci High to get their raw perspectives. Interviewing the students allowed us to gain direct information of the young still developing minds; while interviewing the teachers gave us the reflective point of view of a developed adult looking back at their romantic experiences and its ups and downs.
We asked the people in our community a variety of questions pertaining to maturity in relationships. We wanted to know people’s opinion on teenagers having very serious relationships at a young age. We wanted to know their thoughts about toxicity, romance, breakups, and even love bombing – a term used to describe people giving excessive affection to someone else as a form of manipulation.
One senior, Destiny, said that “teens are still maturing,” that “we don't know how to handle our emotions.” We agree with this sentiment. “When you're young you are still finding yourself,” Destiny said, “it's easy to lose yourself if you're tied to a person.”
An adult in our school, Mr. Murray, shares the same ideas, “Being a teenager you're still figuring things out,” he said. “You’re learning who you are, and how to take care of yourself along with the person you are with.” This seemed to vibe with what others had said. ”There's an essence of vulnerability to it,” he said, “Heartbreak and romance is a part of life. Relationships became complicated because of social media specifically because of drama that comes with it.” Mr. Murray also shared how teenagers have heightened emotions, that he believed there's a lot on our mental load. We are constantly hyper aware of ourselves and this can contribute to the maturity aspect in teen relationships.
Another senior says that “Sexual aspects in a relationship are important. I feel like people downplay it a lot but if you and your partner are ready for that step, it’s important to speak about it. Having sex at a young age comes with a lot of emotions, not that it doesn't come with that when you're older, but there's a lot of issues that come into play." This is why sex-ed classes are important at Comp Sci High; teens need to develop enough awareness about sex to know how to make educated decisions.
Another adult, Ms. Liani, shared her perspective on what a healthy relationship can look like: “You and your person need a life outside each other, you have to be able to live without each other.” she says. Ms. Liani shares the misconceptions she used to believe about love. “I used to think that you could get everything from the person you love, that is not true,” she said. Many people believe that they can complete themselves through others, but you can only find that in yourself. Teen romance is fickle but when teens love, they love deeply. It's easy for us to feel like we need the other person. In relationships, there are a lot of aspects that you and your person share, but there has to be a balance of that and a sense of independence.
A senior, Laila, says “when you're younger, you make stupider decisions.” Her point – and those of others – seemed to show that teenagers are aware of the impact low maturity can have in relationships. “If you're immature in a relationship then it can become toxic, they can't handle themselves in a relationship” she says. Lalia, also like Ms. Liani, says that in a healthy relationship you have to be okay and “acknowledge that your partner isn’t gonna always be there.”
A senior in our school speaks to the emotional manipulation that can come with relationships. She explains how her ex “love bombed” her and “toyed with her emotions.” she says when she tried to break it off, he threatened suicide. She felt trapped, she felt accountable to his emotions. This relates back to Liani’s thoughts, that you can't be completely dependent on a person, it seems that this laces its way into young relationships, perhaps because of the low maturity and the feeling of “needing to be complete.”
Some teens focal point in relationships is what they can get from it, because they can become very attached to their person, it can turn into them trying to get all their needs from this person. Given our maturity, it's easy to see our person as extensions of ourselves. Through that, the significant other adds to their quality of life and their meaning. Adults stress the importance of having a world outside of this person, a relationship contributes to their life rather than becomes their life.
Based on all of these experiences, we believe there is so much for teens to learn when it comes to love. At the end of the day these are experiences that are written in the stars for us, we are bound to be in love, fall out of love, have situationships, and the most amazing fairytale romances. It's okay to mess up; it's okay to love unconditionally; but we definitely have a long way to go when it comes to learning how to love.