Just Because We’re Friends Doesn’t Make It Okay
Editor’s note: This piece mentions difficult, sensitive topics. As such, because of the serious nature of this piece, I’d like to provide you with a link to the NYC 988 hotline, which can support you if you are struggling with a similar circumstance: https://nyc988.cityofnewyork.us/en/
“Please set boundaries in friendships. These experiences are lifetime scars. Boundaries will allow us to understand each other's feelings and perspectives. They will allow us to have healthy friendships.”
As a young lady we tend to express and show our love for our female friends in different ways. But as women we have to take into consideration the feeling of the friend receiving the affection.
I was having a conversation with my mother over dinner. She asked me how school was. And I gave her the same response I give her everyday; I said to her that my day was okay. Our conversation then continued on about how my highschool years are coming to an end. She asked me. “What were some things that stuck to you throughout your high school years?” I gave her a few things that stuck out to me but then a particular time came into my head and I got quiet.
During my 9th grade year in another school setting, I was friends with a young woman. And, with being friends with her, I experienced something that I wish I never did.
We were walking to the train from school when she started to give me compliments. When she made the comments she started basing the compliments more specifically on my bodily features, and then she reached out to touch me.
As you can imagine I was left feeling violated. But due to my youth and lack of understanding what really just happened, I didn’t understand my emotions or feelings. Due to the lack of understanding my emotions or feelings, I pushed everything to the back of my mind. What happened to me didn’t make sense until I got older.
Now that I am older, I tend to get quiet and think whenever I encounter something complicated. And since the conversation with my mother, this thought has been floating around in my headspace.
You probably wonder why? Why keep this in your head? Don’t you want peace of mind?
I realized that it is important to have boundaries in friendships. I used to lack boundaries in friendships. But I realized that it is important to have boundaries because it protects your mental health. Boundaries protect your friendships allowing you and your friends to have space to enjoy your friendship.
Boundaries also give you space to grow your feelings and thoughts as an individual. This allows you to think from another perspective, allowing you to have a deeper understanding of people's feelings.
I conducted a few interviews with some girls, who would like to remain anonymous. I asked them the question: have your boundaries ever been crossed by one of your friends? When I asked my first interviewee this question she stated that when her friends play fight with her, and she is inappropriately touched, it stuns her. It leaves her feeling violated because in the moment nothing was said and everything was “laughed off”. She replays the moment in her head until she's able to push it in the back of her head. But even pushing it in the back of her head doesn't help with her mental health because it was done and nothing can be done for it to happen.
I agree with how she feels. Once the situation is left where it is, you are left feeling violated because of the lack of boundaries in friendships. And because she didn’t have boundaries, such a moment almost caused her to go into isolation.
The lack of knowing your friend's feelings can really take a toll. You and your friends need t to be on the same page.
I asked another girl the same question as well. Her response was it takes a lot out of her and a big toll on the way she operates as a person. She feels that her boundaries were crossed many times on end. Her friends knowingly cross boundaries that she already set, which is wrong. In our interview she proceeded to say that she has received inappropriate compliments and unwanted compliments that made her get stuck in her head.
When we had our interview she explained when she tried to set boundaries her friends laughed it off as if she made a joke. She stated the effect it has on her life and sometimes it changes what she wants to wear to express herself. It has changed the way she approaches her friends; she tends to shy away at times.
I related and really connected when she told me this during our interview. Her experiences really emphasize the importance of boundaries and without them they could affect us negativity.
When I asked one last person she couldn’t even tell me her experience because of how traumatizing that moment was. All she said was that it was bad, and that she will never forget that day.
Please set boundaries in friendships. These experiences are lifetime scars. Boundaries will allow us to understand each other's feelings and perspectives. They will allow us to have healthy friendships. We need to hold ourselves to the same standard we would like men to hold themselves to.
We tend to bash men for their wrong doings,but we have to set and create an example for them with the way we conduct ourselves. This all starts with creating boundaries within our friendships.