Friendships: What Do They Mean to You?
“But, the truth is that all you need is at least one friend or person that values you as much as you value yourself.”
In the process of growing up one thing we see as most important is friendships. It’s not even our fault. We grow up watching TV and Movies that try to show us what the “ideal friendship” is supposed to look like. Shows like that plant this image in each kid’s head that you must have a lot of friends in order to be so called “liked”, “cool”, and or “popular”. But, the truth is that all you need is at least one friend or person that values you as much as you value yourself. Don’t get us wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a lot of friends, but, at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself: are all those people really my friends?
Our middle school years to high school years are really where we learn if those friendships we see in shows/movies are as easy to maintain as they make them out to be. But there's just so many different aspects that go into keeping a friendship that are not always easy to meet.
Maybe it's just our generation or maybe it's a generational curse that has to be broken FINALLY, but a friendship shouldn't consist of things like not being loyal or trustworthy.
I wanted to know if people around our community also see this issue , so we found some topics that tend to be a make or break in terms of friendship in this generation based on what we see in our community. We asked a number of questions to 2 senior students and one staff member to get a view from soon to be adults VS an actual adult.
Do you understand the values of a friendship?
Sometimes, people do not understand the values of friendships fully and that is the main reason many friendships may fall out. The people we interviewed all felt that the values of friendships are not all the same for people and that they are not always valued or seen as something that's one of the most important things in a relationship when, in actuality, it is.
Jaria's view on this topic was that in this generation there's a mix of people who understand the values and don't. She felt that a lot of friendships and their fallouts are based on miscommunication, lies, and rumors. She felt that if one of those reasons were why a friendship fell out, then you have to sit back and ask yourself if you were really friends to begin with.
DD felt that in our generation friendships tend to be taken for granted. He saw that in this generation people tend to be in different friendships to gain something, which shouldnt be the case. He also stated “some find people to manipulate and exploit because of their kindness.” DD doesn't think people fully understand the value of friendship, but he hopes one day that people will begin to understand and value what a real friendship consists of.
After hearing the students' viewpoints we thought it would be a great idea to get an adult’s perspective because she may have more understanding, knowledge, and experience about these topics. From working in middle school and high school, Ms.Ortiz doesn't think this generation understands the values of friendship at all. Like Jaria she felt that friendships in this generation fall out due to miscommunications without any follow up conversation to find out the truth. In Ms.Ortiz’s eyes, friendships are like relationships; it's a bond between two people that has to grow but you have to be mature and want to put the work in for it.
To be honest we agree with everyone's view, we don't feel like our generation understands the values of a friendship and that might be because people don't understand what a friendship actually is. Like Ms.Ortiz said a friendship is just like a relationship, the same work you would put in to stay with a significant other is the same work you should put into a friendship if you actually cared for it.
Do relationships impact a friendship?
When it comes to our generation in both the teen world and adult world, romantic relationships can be a make or break when it comes to friendships. There's many aspects that go into it, for example being able to manage friendships and a relationship, and understanding the boundaries between the two.
Jaria stated that, “it can impact a friendship when distance starts happening.” She feels that people tend to put their relationship over their friendship which she understands, but she also feels like people can make time for both. Your friends shouldn't just come to you when they want to vent or when something is going on in their relationship. They should want to come to you just to check in.
DD felt that it depends but either way it will take away from a long and strong friendship. People don't understand how to balance the needs of their relationship and friendships and that when it becomes a problem. With not knowing how to balance the needs of a friendship and relationships it leads to one being picked over the other.
Ms. Ortiz had the same opinion that DD had. She also felt it depends and without boundaries the relationship or friendship can become an issue. Ms.Ortiz went through a personal experience where her best friend didn't like the person she talked to and it led to a gap in the friendship of 4 months. With this experience, she understood how to set boundaries and balance both.
Arnel and I both have different views of this topic as one has gone through this and one doesn't feel it has a big effect on their friendships. Arnel understood how a romantic relationship can affect a friendship and has seen it happen, but he has never gone through it personally. As someone that went through it personally, I feel that when a friendship starts, there have to be boundaries set. Not everyone has the same values of a friendship as you might have, and being truthful within a friendship is the most important thing and some people just can't communicate or face the truth, which leads to fallouts.
Is jealousy or competition the make or break?
This was kind of a touchy topic because not everyone has gone through a friendship that manages jealousy or competition, but it is also something that seems more common in friendships that involve young women then in a friendship that involves young mens When asking this question we got mixed reviews. Some felt that this topic is a big reason for fall outs but some also never been in a friendship like this or felt it was a big issue in their life.
Jaria's first response to this question was “OF COURSE!” She personally doesn't feel like she has that jealousy or competition trait within her but she does feel like it is something a lot of people have . Your friend should be there to uplift you and not try to one up you. If someone doesn't have a pure heart with no hatred towards you, then that's a good friend, but if they do they are not the person you should be around.
DD's answer was short and sweet, he felt that all conflict in this issue stems from insecurities someone has and that leads to a big issue of jealousy and competition.
Ms. Ortiz doesnt think about jealousy or competition but about meeting people where they're at. If she is doing better than one of her friends or a friend is doing better than her, she sees it has motivation. Ms.Ortiz doesn't feel that she has ever experienced this but she also feels if these traits are in your friendship they are not your friends.
We think these topics play a huge part in the fall out of friendships. We agree that insecurities are a big reason people tend to have these two traits. If people have these traits they shouldn't be your friend, as there should not be a competition about who's better than who in any type of topic . As someone who’s gone through a friendship like this, I would say you shouldn't be in a friendship that's out of envy and hatred.
Quantity Or Quality
Does it mean more to you to have a lot of friends or a certain amount of good quality friends? This was a perfect question for the people we interviewed. They all had similar feelings about how this topic is important to friendships. We felt that in our generation a lot of people look at having a lot of friends rather than having friends that are actually good. This is a huge reason why drama breaks out in a lot of friendships. We focus on trying to be the most liked and trying to be popular, but, through that all we lose the friendship that means the most to us.
Jaria felt if you can balance it all then have it but if you can't then don't. You can be cool with a lot of people but having too many friends will 100 percent lead to messness. Not everyone is cool with one another. If you are friends with people who don't like each other it will always lead to issues if you don't know how to balance it. She personally likes to keep her friend groups small so there will be no issues.
DD felt that this image of having a lot of friends is established at a young age from tv shows and movies which leads to people thinking having these big friend groups is cool. But as you get older you realize everyone doesn't have pure intentions and that you will learn to be aware of who you choose to be close to.
Ms. Ortiz felt that there are different friends for different reasons. For example, you have your party friends, your close family friends, and more. But when it comes to closeness it has to be small, and big friend groups are not something that she recommends. As she is someone that went through an issue like this where a friend group went from 10 people to 3 people in a matter of years, she cautions us to be careful with who you bring close to you.
When it came to this topic we agreed that if they had balance and equality everything should be fine. There's no issue having a lot of friends but their issues will not keep the same values in all the friendships you have.
What Does Loyalty Mean To You ?
At the end of the day loyalty is probably the most important factor of a friendship. Without loyalty what does a friendship really have and how can it grow? This was an exciting question to all our interviewers and they all had a lot to say. Alot of what they feel loyalty means is similar, even from students to an adult. They were all very passionate to talk about this due to the fact that they feel like this is the most important thing in a friendship.
Jaria wants someone who understands her, does not judge, does not change, and also has her back. In her friendship she feels that truth is very important, if you know something say it never sugar coat nothing. If there's secrets, lies, no respect, and the friendship is not appreciated then there is no friendship
When we asked this question to DD he lit up and was filled with joy. This was because he is very passionate about this topic and couldn't wait to share his thoughts and opinions on it. He feels that loyalty in a friendship means a variety of things. Such as defending each other's names even when that person is not there, constantly checking up on the other person especially when you notice that they're not acting like themselves, and having each other's best interest at heart. Which means that you shouldn't be holding them back at any point in their lives, but you should be encouraging, and supporting them and their dreams. He said that those are the friendships you should strive to keep throughout your life and that you shouldn’t switch up for nobody because whether you believe it or not, everyone is not looking out for you like those certain friends are.
Ms.Ortiz first response to this was: “THIS WAS A GREAT QUESTION!” Loyalty in a friendship is someone who speaks up for you behind your back, tells you your wrongs in private and not public, and someone who is a ride or die. If you don't have the traits of honesty, trust and respect, then there is no friendship.
Me and Arnel agreed with all points that our interviewees said. I personally agree mostly with the point that if there's no truth in the friendship, it is not strong, the truth shouldn’t threaten a friendship ever. You should be truthful about everything you know because you should never want your friend to look dumb. If your friendships end due to the truth, then maybe it means you do not have the same values. Then maybe if you guys don't share or understand each other's values y'all shouldn't be friends. So the question we all need to sit and ask ourselves is: what do friendships mean to us?