A Lifetime of Love
A person's life is shaped by their relationships. We create and form new relationships every day—friendships, romantic partnerships, coworkers, family—and many of us are just attempting to figure out what works for us.
While we are young, we are still navigating the maze of love. We learn new things as we age—new concepts, problems, ideas—everything. A person's life is shaped by their relationships. We create and form new relationships every day—friendships, romantic partnerships, coworkers, family—and many of us are just attempting to figure out what works for us.
In the previous edition of the Python Post, I explored the complexities of teenage love from the viewpoints of four seniors providing different perspectives about what they experienced and what they learned from these experiences.
Compared to us teens, adults have experienced this probably 10 times more than we have. While this is not to suggest they possess all the answers or a foolproof roadmap for navigating every situation, they know ways around and through these experiences. Understanding these complexities will provide more knowledge in human emotions, behavior and social structures.
When a variety of elements are taken into account, including emotional development, commitment levels, communication styles, and outside influences, it becomes clear how relationships change as people go through different periods of life.
I asked a number of questions to four adults in Comp Sci High (Coach Johnson, Mr. Smartt, Ms. Elle, and Ms. Diaz) in an effort to gather experiences and perspective on their journey of love and relationships.
What is the value of relationships and what do you want out of them?
As life goes on finding the purpose of things becomes a question we all have. What is our purpose? Why do we get drawn to certain things? While we are young not many of us understand the importance of the connections we build, but it's important that we do understand the importance of them because if you don’t understand this,then the relationship can’t be beneficial to either parties.
When I spoke to Coach Johnson, she said she values having someone to build and create memories with. Having someone to push her to be better and make her a better person is an important factor in her relationships.
Mr. Smartt said he values good communication within a relationship. He’s the type of person that rather talks things out. If something is going well let's talk about it, if not then talk about the problem. Once you are able to talk through things it makes the relationship more open.
He feels that sometimes people glorify the struggle of a relationship, and will use that to justify their toxic behavior. In reality, this is not cute. He feels like relationships shouldn’t be based on how much time together, he said he feels like a lot of the time he’ll hear people say “we’ve been together for 10 years” but don't have a good relationship. “I don’t feel like a relationship should be based on struggle.”
Ms. Elle believes companionship in a relationship is its value. Having someone to rely on in your corner. Having a balanced relationship where both sides are equal. And to just have fun and be open to new experiences with each other.
Ms. Diaz believes there value in a partnership, knowing someone is emotionally attuned to you individually and the partnership together. She also believes in having a relationship where both members of the relationship feel that their needs are reciprocated.
How did your past relationships shape your perspective on relationships?
Coach Johnson wasn't the best at loving when it came to romantic relationships, as she didn't know how to love. She just wanted to “have fun” and wasn't ready to mature. But when it came to friendships that's where she thrived; she found her friendships to be successful because of the person she was and the person she still is today. Her friendships carried trust and loyalty, and these key factors keep them alive today.
But these relationships also taught her to treat people the way you want to be treated. I know, I know – the quote we hear since we are young. But this helped her think about what she actually wanted while she got older and took the time to learn how to love, and how to love people the way they want to be loved.
Mr. Smartt met his wife in high school, where the start of their journey had just begun. He went to a school where it was majority girls, and he wanted to be the “man” of the school. But when he got older he slightly realized this isn't what he wanted. Him and his wife did long distance for 5 years, then broke up for 4 years, and this year will be their 6 year anniversary of marriage.
Having these relationships taught him who he wanted to surround himself around. He started surrounding himself with like minded people. But one of the biggest shifts was having a daughter. How could he stay an immature man while raising a daughter. He found himself questioning if he was the right type of man for his daughter.
Ms. Elle went to an all girl’s highschool, similarly to Coach Johnson, Ms. Elle is still connected to her highschool friends. She feels that maybe because she went to an all girls school and there were no boys it made it easier for those connections to be made. A lot of her high school romantic relationships were not healthy due to lots of miscommunication, lack of communication, and stereotypes surrounding relationships between men and women, but also due to the lack of representation of what a healthy relationship looked like.
Experiencing close relationships helped her understand the qualities she wanted from relationships that she wasn't experiencing in her previous ones.
While in highschool, Ms. Diaz had pretty solid friendships. She felt that what she was lacking from home, her friends became an outlet and tried to establish certain qualities within friendships. College was completely different and the relationships made there are her circle now. College was a whole new start, it's where everything you thought was true is now not. It's where you go to grow and shift perspectives. College helped her understand her identity since highschool was so limiting.
Since a lot of relationships started when leaving her household it caused a lot of ruckus within them. Lots of them looked toxic and were codependent and were pulling things out of them that she did not receive growing up at home.
Where did a lot of faults come from in relationships?
When we are young, we frequently think of ourselves as perfect and are unable to understand the reasons for our flaws. Many teenagers find it difficult to accept their flaws and would rather place the blame elsewhere than on themselves. When we get older and reflect on our past the faults will become more present then when we were experiencing it.
Coach Johnson found that a lot of her faults came from lack of maturity. She also lost her mom at a young age. She was hurt and didn't know how to deal with those feelings properly.
Mr. Smartt found himself only thinking about himself. Using these relationships as personal gain instead of acknowledging other feelings. He would glorify having multiple girls, they say your 20s are a time to be wild and make mistakes, and to just have fun, but he found himself growing out of that mindset quicker than others would.
Ms. Elle grew up in a town where there were a lot of single parent households. Lots of parents separated at a young age leaving the kids with not the best representation of love. There were also a lot of gender norms that she had to learn to fight against. Having relationships with others that never had the best representation she had to learn how to work with it but also against it.
Ms. Diaz's nature is to help people, so when she got into a relationship she felt it was her job to “fix them.” Not understanding this aspect of herself kept her back from growth.
When was your first heartbreak and how did you grow from it?
Heartbreak is inevitable, we are all going to experience it, learning how to deal with it and grow from it will make it slightly easier. In the previous issue, each senior believed love is worth it even after experiencing heartbreak. You never know what life holds for you. Life is a gamble, if you worry about love failing you'll never experience it. Learning how to deal with it and learning how to grow from it will create healthy habits in your life.
Coach Johnson's first heartbreak was in college. She just shut down and went into a dark space. She didn't want to date anymore and was second guessing herself. She thought to herself that maybe this is her karma. Johnson had taken time for herself and decided to take the risk of another heartbreak. But it was worth it because her current partner came into her life and showed her better and her worth.
She still believes love is worth it even after heartbreak. She believes everyone makes mistakes and you will make plenty of mistakes but it comes down to if you want to work from these mistakes. She believes “Growth doesn't come with age, it comes with mindset.”
Mr. Smartt also experienced his first heartbreak in college. This relationship showed him that his intuition was right and he should have trusted them. He didn't know how to act, he thought “he was going to die.” he thinks looking back on it that it needed to happen. He needed to experience this to grow.
He still believes that love is worth it, especially when you are the reason for your heartbreak. Most people blame it on the other person instead of reflecting. You'll be able to value the heartbreak better when you can reflect from it. This experience opened his eyes and slowed him down.
Ms. Elle experienced her first heartbreak in highschool. She had just shut down completely and didn't know how to deal with it. She started getting in trouble more because of the heartbreak she never addressed. Later on she spoke to a teacher and went into her next year of highschool learning how to deal with it.
She also believes love is still worth it: “I do, I do. I feel like there's always a chance for it, doesn't mean it's always easy, if you feel like something is worth it then try to work through it. I do think regardless of the heartache love is a part of us. And makes our life worthy and worth living.”
Ms. Diaz's first heartbreak was also in college. She doesn't know if she ever dealt with it. She found it easier to just not deal with it. She found things to do so she could distract herself from it. She cried alone, and she wasn't open with her feelings as an adult, so as an adult she learned how to sit in the discomfort of them and give her feelings a time limit. By all means feel what you need to. Let yourself be in your bag, but don't let it consume too much of your time. When you're younger your feelings are your whole world and that's okay but when you're an adult it's a part of your world. But since it's your first your feelings are more intense.
What lessons have you learned from your past relationships or current ones?
Life is a journey that comes along with lessons. Every failure, mistake, heartbreak, struggle has its lesson and if you actually learn and see it is up to you.
Coach Johnson sticks by 2 lessons in life, “Never leave the one you love for the one you like” and “Never let something good slip away because you never know the outcome.” She learned that having goals and accomplishing it within relationships allows it to grow in different ways instead of just building.
Mr. Smartt learned you don’t need to fight for your relationship to be stronger. You can't count history as the source of staying together. Accepting each other through flaws and not being defensive. And making change happen in real time. Every small win will turn into a big one.
Ms. Elle learned to stay present and active in the moment, to work through problems when they happen so they don't stand in the way. Communication is key and to just stay actively engaged. It is easy to get comfortable and forget the needs of others especially when other factors come in. Continue to have an open mind and to pivot when needed. Stop and ask yourself what's going on so you don't fall into old patterns.
Ms. Diaz always found herself trying to play smaller roles in her relationships. She struggled believing that she was worthy of love and that love could be easy and intentional, she was so used to the toxicity that if it didn't appear hard then, was it really real?
For the first time in her life she found that love can be unconditional and experience an out pour of love that speaks to who she is and the little girl who she was and still is, a love that pushes her to grow and and heal and be in a space where she can experience her feelings the good, bad, hurt and everything in between.
She learned that love is an energy exchange, it’s a higher vibration. Be mindful to who you share that energy with and the responsibility that it comes with. She learned that “Love also means saying no to the things you want to say yes to.” Sometimes you may love someone but they might not align with the direction you want to grow in. But if they are not aligned with values then this is where you can start to shift. Love isn't always enough to sustain a relationship. Some love is unconditional, but relationships are conditional. When she learned to love herself it didn't leave her relying on everyone else to fill that role for her.
"I've learned that love doesn't require me to play small,” Ms. Diaz told me, “Love is freedom. Love is liberation."
What are some things to keep in mind while navigating relationships?
Coach Johnson says it's okay to make mistakes, do not let your mistakes define your life. It's okay to start over because you may like your new beginning. And before you fulfill a relationship, build a friendship.
Mr. Smartt says be nice to people, not to get something or because you want something in return, just be nice to people. Our generation does it too much, to ignore the real ones just because they can't give you something.
Ms. Elle says stay open to what you need and what your partner needs. Ask for help. And know that love is out there and you deserve it.
Ms. Diaz says to love yourself, It's the foundation. You have to love yourself and love yourself well. If you give yourself scraps you leave other people the will to do the same. Knowing that you are worthy and capable of love. Self love is different for everyone. Self love is a mindset and it's working on your belief system, on yourself, and on what you think is true. Once you are able to give those things to yourself the universe will align you in spaces with people who are able to reciprocate those ideas and feelings. You got to be the thing you say you what to have.
The exploration of love and relationships reveals a journey filled with complexities, growth, and invaluable lessons. As we navigate through the maze of love, whether in our youth or as adults, we continuously learn and evolve, shaping our perspectives and understanding of human emotions, behavior, and social structures.Through the insights shared by individuals from different stages of life, we understand the significance of relationships in shaping our lives. From friendships to romantic partnerships, each connection offers opportunities for growth, companionship, and self-discovery. As we continue to navigate relationships, let us cherish the lessons learned, celebrate the connections we cultivate, and embrace the journey of love with open hearts and minds.