They Act Too Grown
“In other words: unprocessed trauma can leave us with more stress that we will also struggle to process. This affects both parents and their children.”
Hardship is inevitable. A parent takes on the responsibility of protecting and preparing their child against hardship. However, parents may wish to protect their children in ways that are not as helpful as they would like. Their idea of protection is based on what they were taught to do during their childhood, which can shape the childhoods of their own children. This can be presented in the way they respond to trauma. I believe that understanding the psychology of parents can help children develop a better understanding of their own.
I believe that people should start prioritizing their mental health at a young age. It can be hard to start doing so later in life because of their preconceived mindsets. I believe that learning about our own psychology can lead to building better mental health and healthier relationships with those around us. Children often end up with strained relationships with their parents, either because they fail to reflect, or because the children fail to understand what their parents are trying to do for them.
The experiences that parents face prior to adulthood will have an impact on the way they choose to raise their children. In their attempts to protect their children, it could produce the opposite effect and leave their children less prepared for adulthood.
Both students and teachers were asked about their family experiences and relations to trauma. One teacher, Ms. Aluko said that she had to “do a lot of adulting” due to growing up with a disabled mother. Despite being the youngest, she had to take on the role of their older sibling around foster siblings. She was aware that her parents were doing their best, but not necessarily the best that she needed.
When asked if she felt prepared for adulthood when she was younger, she stated that she felt “operationally prepared, but not emotionally.” Another teacher stated that their family had to go through their father’s death, health issues, near death experiences, changes in employment and homelessness. They reported having a close knit family, and community, and also stated that they felt prepared for adulthood.
Both teachers said they enjoyed their childhood, but one had mixed feelings about it when they first reached adulthood. These interviews helped give me more insight on how the adults within our community were affected by an older generation of parents. There was the same closeness that is seen in the student interviewees, but there was more of a sense of loss and remembrance. Both teacher interviewees lost a parent, so they appeared to be more reflective of their relationships with them as a result.
According to NHS Wales, “when the lower part of the brain responsible for survival is repeatedly activated and prolonged in infancy and in early childhood this can reduce the connections between other parts of the brain.” It goes on: “This can significantly impact on our ability to learn, to form memories, to regulate emotions, it can affect our ability to be calm, to learn, to think, to reflect and to respond flexibly and in a planned way.” In other words: unprocessed trauma can leave us with more stress that we will also struggle to process. This affects both parents and their children.
Laila Ayala, one student interviewee, shared that her mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor after giving birth to her. Raised by her grandparents early in life, she said she had a strong and loving relationship with both of them, as well as her parents later on. Despite this and early struggles with her mental health, she said she enjoyed her childhood and feels prepared for adulthood. On the other hand, our other student interviewee reported having a closer relationship with their mom than their dad. They would tend to clash because of their father’s stricter personality. When asked if they enjoyed their childhood or if they felt prepared for adulthood, they said yes to both.
These contrasting stories really stood out to me. Only one parent experienced any known trauma, yet the student whose parent didn’t experience that trauma had more of a desire to go back to their childhood and pick up the pieces they didn’t have before.
Three out of four interviewees stated that a parent or grandparent experienced some form of trauma during their lives. Two of them had to take on adult roles in the form of taking care of younger siblings from a young age. All reported close relationships with their families, even though some had closer ones than others.
Each interviewee also showed a level of understanding as to why their parents may have acted the way they did when raising them. It becomes easy to feel negatively towards parents if their parenting styles may have been less effective than they would’ve hoped. Acknowledging a parent’s past, not for the sake of condemnation but instead for reflection, can prove to be helpful in understanding one’s own experiences as well. Whether or not a parent’s methods proved to be useful, understanding the reason behind it could foster a better relationship with them if the effort is put in.
Are children really the only ones that “act too grown,” or do they just continue the cycle?